Showing posts with label on my mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label on my mind. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

on my wind...

revving up, s l o w i n g  d o w n. stop then go. 
hear the sounds of cars passing right outside my window
it's locked closed but air seeps through it's worn-down weatherstrip
that empty space, it leaves a crack
that's the way it goes. 

he doesn't care if he's welcome
anyone will tell you that
permeating hidden spaces, buried deep in this old house
too hot in summer, too cold in winter:
extreme and uninvited. 

try your hardest just to fight it
resist with air conditioning and manufactured heat. 
fill that space with new air, breathing life into these rafters 
but that old window can't be trusted
she'll let the bought air out

so now it's cold and I should've seen it coming 
it's happened time and time again
the Indian summer is all too cunning
he'll have you believing he's a faithful friend.
when that October breeze wraps itself around you..
don't buy it. don't give in.
this tired game we play so often, I know it all too well. 
he doesn't need an open the door, he much prefers creeping in
so batten your hatches and play pretend
tell yourself you're safe. 
but wait.



boy you take the cake
I've made my share of mistakes  
but you are-- by far-- my greatest disappointment

revving up, slowing down. that's the way it goes. 
the problem with old houses... 
all the old windows. 

Monday, June 2, 2014

On my mind...

I am trespassing.

It's a strange feeling, in a place so familiarly unfamiliar, the nagging feeling that I don't belong.

Like the house of your childhood, where you lost your teeth and your training wheels, returning with nostalgia, only to see someone else's bike in the garage.

Or even worse, it's empty. The shadow of a home. Peering in the dusty windows, hoping for a sign of life.

The hardest roads we have to walk alone//

I flip through the archives, they stare back at me like an old photo album. Memories of a girl.

Memories of a voice. 

It's strange to see myself a stranger… to be inspired by words that I once claimed as my own. To be moved. 

Even stranger still, as that bellowing baritone became more muffled, so did everything else.  

That baritone was my metronome.

Though deep down I believe: you can't lose it if it was ever truly yours, it never goes away. It's always home, the cozy spot, tucked away in the trees, where daydreams and fantasies take afternoon tea. 

Everyone has their vices.

Vice, voice, virtue. 

Truth be told- I'm a little rusty.

I know, I know//

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

On My Mind...

Hiatus.

Sometimes you just need a break. 

To clear your mind. To find your mind. To thine own self be true.
(But do we ever really find the things we’ve lost?)

So you take a step back, you walk away, maybe even running without so much as looking back. You’re pedaling faster and faster and then: your legs get tired. Or you’ve seen all you needed to see. Or you’ve found what you were looking for.

Or maybe you haven’t

[and the sea is getting awfully rough] so you’ve decided to adjust your sails, turn around, and head back to that one particular harbor. And you can.

But it’s never the same. Life doesn’t stay where you leave it.

The scenery has changed; the air is different, thicker, stifling. Those same familiar birds have flown south and there’s an empty kind of feeling. The skeleton of what used to be. Like a house that’s been burned to the ground, only the splintering frame remains.

So before you put it in reverse, think twice. Do not be afraid of greatness. Going forward is scary, but sometimes going back is all the more unsettling.

“Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

It’s no coincidence that Helen Keller said that. Even when storm clouds blind your view, and you can’t see what lies ahead; know that what you’ve left behind is a mystery now too. We know what we are, but not what we may be.

The things that could have been are just as secret as the things that are yet to come, to be, or not to be.

So plow forward, diving headfirst into the next great adventure.

For what’s past is prologue.

your turn. xoxo

Sunday, March 10, 2013

on my mind...

escape.

Monday night I staggered into work anxious and emotional. I was feeling overwhelmed and I needed to escape. I'm not going to say that running away is always the best option, but for me, in this case, it was. I needed to get out of town and Wintergreen, VA was expecting snow. My sweet brother was up there for spring break, and I successfully convinced him to stay a couple extra days.

I got my shifts covered, loaded up my car, and set off Tuesday afternoon. As I pulled into the resort the first of the flurries began to fall. We thought we might get 8-10 inches. We ended up with 24-30. The power went out for a few hours Wednesday afternoon, and as I lie sprawled out by the fire listening to the wind howl and my brother snoozing quietly on the couch, I penned this...

fire crackling, snow falling
wind howls, raging on.
bursts and gusts much stronger than
little
old
me.
I came to escape it all.
The fears and insecurities,
the lingering questions and doubts.
I thought if I found myself
on the side of the biggest mountain
my fears would get small
the worry would melt away like icicles
and I would [find peace]
I underestimated her fury though
& now she's forcing me to face my own
No power, no phone, no television chatter
to drown out the sound of the
dumb devils and demons of doubt
or to distract me from myself.
I'm stuck inside with nothing to do but face them &
[make peace]
outside the storm rages on
a nor'easter, they say
but making peace is much greater than finding it.

Monday, November 5, 2012

On my mind...

thinking about vision 
and eyes are for seeing 
but sometimes you just have to close them
sometimes our vision is clouded by the billowing dust-clouds of our emotions
sometimes obstacles stand in the way
the naysayers, the rules, the way we think things ought to be
or how they used to be
what a terribly dull existence to be bound by the way things have always been
change. it's bound to happen,
or is it?
"a power of resisting by which every body, as much as in it lies, endeavors to preserve its present state, whether it be of rest or of moving uniformly forward in a straight line."
inertia.
resistance to change
it's monday morning and things are happening and it makes me feel like everything is going to be ok.
sometimes i get overwhelmed.
it's silly, but the anxiety starts to build in my chest like the bassline.
silly expectations, impossible deadlines, i put them on myself and on others and i'm disappointed when they aren't met.
that's the danger of comparison, like apples and oranges, sometimes it's just not a fair game. 
even when things seem bad- when feelings are hurt and egos bruised, when the water turns cold and your breakfast egg rolls off the counter and onto the floor with a splat before you've even sprayed the frying pan- even when things seem bad, they are good.
There's a great, big world waiting out there, somebody ought to tackle it. 
your turn. xo

Monday, September 24, 2012

on my mind...

sirens; muffled
but growing louder, closer
and just as quickly disappearing again
faint.
monday morning has a way of doing that
sneaking up out of nowhere, loud and obtrusive
she could be gentle, you know. 
nudging you softly, kindly 
nuzzling into the warm of your neck
a light tap on your shoulder and
a gentle shake that seems to whisper
"i'm here and life is going to be beautiful."
instead she comes in with a jolting, jarring scream 
like a wailing child tormented by a bad dream
it's only monday
and really mondays aren't so bad themselves
its just the way the first sip of too-hot coffee burns 
your tongue
or the anxious feelings in the pit of your stomach that you can't seem to shake.
it's the car horns and the humidity and the pair of shoes you just can't find. 
no, it's not monday's fault, 
but she never seems to offer much solace. 
wednesday is a reassuring pat on the back 
and thursday generally comforting too
but monday is cold and distant.
before you know it, though, that too-hot coffee cools to just right
& you just have to keep telling yourself
"life is going to be beautiful."
because it's true, 
but monday isn't going to remind you herself. 
[images via Modern Hepburn]

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

On my mind...

rain, coffee, thunder, words
it's always days like this that make me think the most
introspective, reflective, thoughtful, and as deep as the puddles
there's something silly about sunshine, 
fickle and fleeting
dancing behind the clouds and calling it quits as soon as evening rolls around
rain though, he's dependable.
a steady stream that seems to say
"I'm in it for the long haul."
of course there are stray showers,
summer storms that materialize and vanish just as quickly
but my kind of rain lasts all day 
& isn't scared off by the dark of night
and streeeetch. deeps breaths. mindful. present.
the more i do, the more i want to do
accomplishment breeds accomplishment
from cleaning my closet to vacuuming my car
running a few miles or reading a few chapters
i can't help but feel energized by the accomplishment
no matter how big or how small
"dream big, but start small..."
but where to begin?
compass, atlas, new directions...
forging a path, blazing a trail
progress change growth
but don't be afraid to sit and stay for a while.  
so much to look forward to, so much excitement, 
so much work
so much love.
soak it all in.
but first... shower
your turn. xo

[images via Modern Hepburn]


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

On my mind...

To do: look into residential fork lift to pry me out of my bed after holiday weekends, vacations, or late nights at work. 
Monday, Monday... already come and gone
Maturity.
When are you grown up?
Maybe it's when you get married. Or have kids.
Maybe it's when you stop having constant bruises on your knees and legs.
Maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be.
To do: Conference call at 2. Finish posts by Monday.
Every vertebrae in my spine just popped.
Does that make me grown up? Or just old?
To do: take glucosamine and vitamins
so much content, going in and coming out
reading and writing and reading again
To do: go by the library. pay late fee. request more books.
sometimes it gets to be too much
talkin talkin talkin talk, baby lets just knock it off//
sometimes i just have to turn it all off
even then, the script in my head keeps right on going
but sometimes i just can't bring myself to share.
i missed you.
the truth is, i've been writing so much for other people lately, sometimes i worry i'm losing my voice.
and even then, sometimes, i just want to be quiet. 
all shared out. no more words. 
To do: swing by the bank. make deposit.
What are we sowing into?
Where does all this energy go? "It is neither be created, nor destroyed" (I think)
I'm no physics major, but maybe it's all being realeased as heat
warming up, cooling down, and warming up again.
day night day again
so rhythmic, so beautiful
power through.
your turn.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

on my mind...

cloudy, rainy, puddly day
steal some covers share some skin//
opposites, diametrically opposed but
not so different as they seem.
unexpected although not entirely unlikely, 
and yet comfortable.
thoughts somersaulting through my mind
like a carousel, in and out of focus
foreground, background, and foreground again
peripheral.
everyone has an opinion,
everyone seems to think they know what is best for you.
and maybe they do. 
an outside perspective, untainted by clouded thoughts, foggy emotions,
feelings.
a truly honest perception... but
maybe not.
I don't know what makes us tick
But maybe sometimes you just need room to roam. 
A little space to grow.
who says you can't go home..//


your turn. 


[image via]

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

on my mind...

monday, tuesday, thursday, wednesday...
does anybody really know what time it is//
so many tabs. saved for later. abandoned. new ones being opened as we speak.
in my mind and on my desktop.
clutter and chaos. fan humming, television babbling, but quiet in the midst of things.
the bottom of another coffee mug. 
timelines and deadlines. tan lines and fine lines. 
the sun fighting with the clouds and then it's June by the end of the week.
where are the days going, where does the time slip to?
swimming upstream or treading water.
just keep swimming.
[blank]
like the sound of the sea when you get pulled under. the waves swirl in angry torrents overhead and for a moment: nothing. profound silence and... blank. 
so what to do when you think something is right 
but it just feels wrong. 
and when you think something is wrong 
but it feels right.
head or heart, brain or gut. 
what wins out in the end?
like a flower, growing toward the light. water and sunshine, roots deeply clenching the earth. 
"the grass withers and the flowers fade..."


your turn. 

[image via]

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

on my mind this Wednesday morning

Do you read The Lil Bee? I do. Actually, I'm kind of obsessed. She has the most adorable baby. And husband. And baby to be! She does these "on my mind" posts during her commute sometimes and I truly adore them. Here is what's on my mind because 1. I can't seem to focus enough to get it together for a real post 2. I have pictures to edit before I can complete those real posts that I haven't even written yet. Unfortunately my mind is a lot more jumbled and confused that hers is, but here's a peek inside. 


On my mind this Wednesday morning...


do i seriously only have 25 minutes before i need to leave for kickboxing?
the first sip of the latte is always the best. just like the first bite of dessert. but maybe even better because it makes you feel all warm inside
seeing christmas trees on top of cars also makes me feel warm inside. i hope i see at least a few more this year.
i can't believe some people put a tree up on christmas eve.
whats the point?
i'm all kinds of sore. seriously. who else can get a sore neck from running? talent.
hmm.. in second thought... i must have looked like a real dummy 
i like how this makes me seem like i work out regularly. when in reality today will be the 5th time in like 2 months (also 2 weeks... but who's counting?)
i woke up thinking today was friday. seriously.  i was brainstorming guilt-frees and everything. and i dont even want this week to go by fast. its a good thing that today is wednesday, because i didn't come up with any.
i miss my roommates. sometimes we make up guilt-frees instead of talking. like if i failed a math test (which isn't true because a. i dont take math and b. i dont fail) but i would say "HEY it's ok if you fail your math test because your teacher is an incompetent fool and the jerk who sits in front of you wouldn't stop smacking his gum..." but usually they involve boys. 
gahhh i miss them (my roommates, not the boys we make up guilt-frees about)
but it is awfully lovely to be home
make that 15 minutes...

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